For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.
Public Speaking and Asking Questions
This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.
Understanding the Roots
A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.
Practical Steps
Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.
This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.
