Late-night's leading hosts spent the evening ridiculing former President Donald Trump's just announced visa initiative, dubbed the "gold card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-to-play scheme for the rich.
The Late Show's Pointed Spin
Opening his show, Stephen Colbert presented a satirical holiday tune targeting the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... ruins all he comes into contact with."
The focus was the new program which permits foreign individuals to purchase U.S. residence for an investment of a million dollars, or "top-tier" option for $5 million. The program's portal promises approval "with unprecedented speed."
"One thought for you to rich foreigners: prior to you pay, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.
He explained that the scheme is also designed to "get cash" from businesses looking to hire foreign workers, requiring large costs. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you additionally get two free nights at a property of your choice – if it's the a specific Marriott," he continued.
"The most thorough background check the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants completely qualify to be in America."
"That is important, you have to prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"
Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Critique
On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."
"It's a card that will allow rich international individuals to live here," he said. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."
"Perhaps it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your tired masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.
Kimmel mocked the brevity of the application, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."
"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."
Seth Meyers discussing Economic Issues
On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping poll ratings during economic worries. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term because they were angry about the economy," he said.
This week, in a bid to tackle cost of living, Trump held a press conference in front of a display of food items, and behaved peculiarly to boxes of cereal.
"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them back to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."
"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"
Meyers concluded by criticizing right-leaning media defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps rather than complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he joked.
